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For the next two years my life involved being in and out of surgery between work shifts and of course once the implant was removed the infection continued because the bug was still in my body and they could not identify what it was. My survival skills had really been solidified at this point, I went straight back to work once I was out of the hospital and luckily working in the hospital I could fit in appointments around work time. I would have to have surgery every couple of months for the next two years due to ongoing infection recurring and suffer endless drains and wound care which was equally emotionally, psychologically and physically traumatic for the next two years. I never failed in my role as parent and doing everything in my family of my children and my partner and he never once lifted a finger to help or provide support and for that I will never forget.

I had managed to let my mother back into our lives because I needed her at times to pick up the children as my only means of support and fortunately for me because of my health issues I had managed to lose a significant amount of weight so for a short period of time I had some acceptance and reprieve from my mother’s harsh words and judgement but she still scrutinised everything I put in my mouth and constantly reminded me of the fear that I could get fat again.

After I got through this period and had such incredible strength I felt like I could survive anything and it was time to cut out the dead wood as such and I recall the specific moment my relationship with my children’s father ended. I had survived everything and had a situation just like any other day that the car would not start and I was left having to organise everything and no support and I just finally realised I was done, no more. I know that in my life I have given people that were important to me so many chances, more than I ever should have and in reflection I had been given so many chances to end toxic relationships and behaviour and choose myself but I resisted to the point where they Universe only had the option to keep throwing those hard lessons until I finally was exhausted and gave up and chose my own worth and happiness and get rid of those that did not support me in my life and fill my cup.

I was very independent from a young age and take care of myself that I have maintained this my whole life and have always been incredibly independent and never relied on anyone either financially or any other aspect of my life simply because I can’t because it’s all I know. A lot of these traits and behaviours/coping mechanisms that impact me today have been both a negative and positive with regard to not allowing people into my life to help me and also needing to maintain control and independence as not just a coping mechanism but a survival skill to this day. It has impacted many relationships and other aspects of my life to this day and I think that the important aspect of reflection is to acknowledge the situation when triggers are alerted, honour yourself and acknowledge the reasons why it is happening, be compassionate and kind to yourself and open a dialogue when safe with those around your or seek help from counsellors or health professionals to work through the issues when they arise and put these tools in the toolbox for the next time, because there is always a next time. Information and knowledge is power and the biggest thing that I have learnt is knowing to identify a trigger and emotional response, being able to work through it and understand why is happening and move forward, because if we don’t understanding why it is happening we are not able to process and move forward.

Once I had made the decision I was immediately relieved and felt and overwhelming sense of knowing I was on the right path and had no fear. I was completely financially independent and strong and knew that I was the only constant in my children’s life to keep them safe and secure and provide a healthy and safe home to thrive in and was not going to subject them to a childhood that I had experienced.

My career had gone from strength to strength at this time remarkably given everything that was going on in my life but my work was my one constant and kept me fulfilled and I was doing well and my career sights set high. I had worked in Palliative Care and I was very committed to my profession and had strong ethical base and sense of right from wrong which not only because of my career path and Social Work role but also the way I conducted my life and the two were meshed.

My professional reputation and work ethic was very important to me and something that I felt very strongly about and my strong sense of integrity, however I learnt that not everyone including other social workers had the same values and beliefs. I became aware of a situation where one of the Palliative Care Specialist Doctors had prescribed ongoing and huge amounts of narcotics for pain relief for a patient who was supposedly palliative care however this diagnosis had never been investigated or confirmed from evidence basis. The patient was regularly reviewed under our team for a long period of time and essentially, she became addicted to narcotics and finally scans and tests revealed she was not palliative and therefore did not require the high doses of pain medication that she became addicted too. Everyone involved took no medical or ethical responsibility for the patient’s situation except for myself and therefore wanted to get rid of the patient that was the problem due to fear of legal actions and negative consequences to medical professionals and Hospital Health Service.

I was very clear in my role and what the expectations of my professional ethics and strongly advocated for this patient to be supported with the medical team to help and support the patient to get Rehabilitation and help with her addiction. I was quickly summoned to my Social Work Management directed to not have any contact with the patient and essentially labelled a troublemaker and told I was and my career was ultimately over now. They didn’t have the grounds or evidence to fire me but the bullying and harassment that surrounded my working life from then on was on reflection a far worse punishment. It would have been a better or easier outcome or road ahead of me if I hadn’t advocated for myself and fought to keep my employment because I hadn’t done anything wrong. There were long months and years that followed that this stigma never left me and the actions and politics of the Organisation and Management had led me down a spiralling path and opened behaviours and bullying and harassment that I could never have imagined and my reality of what was good in the world shattered.

I could have easily over the years succumbed to the thoughts and beliefs of Management and Executive and done what was I was required by their expectations and not in line with my ethics and values but I never gave into that temptation and yes it would have been easier for me and given me better career opportunities and money but it was never about the money or being liked or having an agenda of power and control. For me it was always about my strong sense of what was right and wrong, my values and beliefs, fighting for those who don’t have capacity to advocate for themselves and I absolutely needed to hold onto my integrity otherwise all that I had known that was what I held on would bring that tower crashing down.

Several years later I learnt that this dangerous behaviour continued and whilst my career and professional life had stagnated and I had been extradited to a low paying base level position and given no opportunities and had been labelled a troublemaker that followed me throughout my career I never gave in to the temptation to cross the line and held strongly onto my values and ethical code and outlasted them all. The people and management responsible had by then been removed from their role by Health Quality Commission, Management positions made redundant and the Social Work Management removed from his position due to substantiated investigation of bullying and harassment. I don’t know why I stayed so long, I guess it was the security but also the belief that I had never done anything wrong and justice and fighting for what I believed was right and the fight of my life and I never gave in because I hadn’t don’t anything wrong and walking away would have meant that I accepted defeat and I was never prepared to take on that belief because it was the only thing in my life I had that was keeping me alive and the only aspect of my life that meant more.

My children have always been my number one priority and their safety and wellbeing has guided my life decisions since they were born and this was the ultimate test but one that was not negotiable. In my work and home life I have been a strong advocate for child safety and whilst this has been an unpopular belief and practice for my family and those around me in my lifetime it is my one not negotiable. The universe, family members and relationships can throw anything they want at me and I can take it but when it comes to my children I have zero tolerance.

All the relationships I have ended with my mother, sister, and children’s father and love relationships after they were born and whilst they were still children were purely based on the safety of my children. It may have taken me a few times to learn my life lessons and subject myself to ongoing trauma and abuse once it became apparent that those abusers had realised that they count get to me so they would direct their abuse to my children to test my strength and they lost every time.

The red flags were small and as time went on and more control was taken away from me in the relationship with every decision that was made which had catastrophic consequences, and there were many but ultimately it was the cruelty and abuse that he subjected toward my children and my son that sealed the decision. His beliefs in parenting and building a strong man was to be cruel and belittling and I will never forgive him for the pain and trauma that he put my children through when times were particularly bad. It was supposed to be the happiest time in our life’s and a weekend getaway to the North Coast turned into the scariest moment of mine and my children’s life’s and I thank God and my spirit angels who kept us safe now.

From that moment on the relationship was over and trying to navigate out of this and keep myself and my children save was a huge challenge.

There were so many barriers and complications because of the power and control that he had over our lives and his alcohol abuse as well as a full-scale renovation that was our house. It was not finished and huge debt attached but for me it was about survival of my children and once that was evident the money and the rest wasn’t a factor. To get through it safely and without further trauma to my children I had to give over everything. I had to take all the financial debt, solicitors fees, issues with fixing the mess and allowing him to walk away with no consequences as well as off the money that he had taken from our joint account and put in his own private bank account. His nest egg that he had been accumulating over the years without my knowledge from our joint account that only later came to life when he refused to hand over financial records to the Solicitor and I was forced to override this against legal advice because of the threats of harm to myself. This was my punishment for wanting love and feeling like I had been deserving of my happily ever after but the lessons were presented and the money and the rest never mattered it was always about the children and their safety and wellbeing and my happiness and hardship didn’t even rate.