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Looking back I don’t know how I gained the strength or the thought of my actions at this time but it has been an element of my life that I recognise at times when I made decisions outside of myself to guide me at these times and move forward and were instrumental to my life moving forward. I summoned the strength to write down in words in a letter promising and begging that I would forgive my father on the one condition that he sent me someone to love me unconditionally, my one and only, the love of my life. I tucked this letter into his arms in the coffin with my Pandy that I sent and returned to him to keep him safe and comfort in his journey ahead and a symbol that I didn’t need it anymore because it had kept me safe and comfort in my most difficult times and I had set myself free and gave myself wings to fly.

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to love and be

loved in return”

― Moulin Rouge

https://moulin-rouge.fandom.com/wiki/Nature_Boy

Going through the motions of the funeral was like watching a comedy movie outside of myself and like always I had no words, no voice and automatic pilot of just not believing what was happening around me. Of course, my mother and sister flew into town playing the grieving widow and daughter and their acting skills on point. My mother made all the decisions with regard to funeral and had been instrumental on organising it with my father prior to his death and it was a show for everyone in their hometown of the perfect man, the perfect family and nothing based on reality. During the service my mother sat front and centre and cried and I was just in complete shock that the Celebrant referred to my mother as his current wife and the whole experience was so confronting and traumatic I vowed that I never wanted to be part of this family or connection from here on and that I made the unconscious decision to walk away and never look back, I was done with the facade, the lies and the betrayal.

The psychological and emotional trauma never left, yes my father had died and I had no contact with my family and had chosen my own path I struggled to find peace in my life and sense of happiness. I had met a guy that I had no emotional attachment too and he none to me, there was no love or happy ever after there was just a sense of two people who were in deep pain and struggle who took an opportunity of convenience to set up house and go through the motions of what we thought was expected of us as adults with the aid of those around us who pushed us together at the time. The details are not important or semantics but I was never focused on finding a life partner with money or the perfect package, I just was happy to find someone who wanted me and thought that this was the sign and perfect timing that my wish had been granted when it came to love and I went all in and ignored every red flag that presented itself.

I had decided that whilst I had not had been granted my happily ever after in love I needed to find a path that would provide me with a sense of fulfilment and decided to enrol myself in University. I don’t know how this happened as I had never done well at school but again the mind and body keep score and once the seed gets planted and the Divine steps in and I was guided by the Divine down this path of Knowledge which I didn’t know at the time would be my life saving device.

I enrolled with the generic Bachelor of Arts Degree with a Major in Psychology and Minor in Sociology and had no idea what I was doing or what would happen but they were the only topics that I thought I could achieve and amazingly to me the Universe granted my wish. So, I began my University education as a 39-year-old mature student and pregnant with my first child and I was never more excited or determined to fight for my life and my independence. This was a pivotal moment in my life to get up and fight for what I wanted and not to sit in misery and despair that was my life and the hand that I had been dealt and change the story of my life.

The role of motherhood was one that I had never been able to fully prepare for and it hit me hard. I was so determined to be everything and the overwhelming feelings that I experienced blew me away, complete love and connection to this baby and such an amazing experience and my first feelings of unconditional love for another human being beyond comprehension or understanding. I followed every text book with looking after babies from a practical level and had strived to be the best mother possible and meet every need to the detriment of myself. I remember holding my children constantly because I physically couldn’t bear the tears when I put them down and hearing them cry or distress would literally tear at my soul because I remembered the feelings of what I had experienced as a child. This set off some major triggers for me with what was to be a major decline in my mental health.

It was such a bittersweet experience because it opened my eyes to what a mother child relationship looked and felt like and I realised what I had not experienced in my own life and I could never understand how my mother could not have felt this intense love for me that I felt for my children and was devastated yet another grief and loss in my life. The realisation hit me hard and I knew that this was another turning point in my life like a game of snakes or ladders where I could have literally spiralled down a very slippery slope and my mental health was not in a good way.