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Again the Universe had stepped in to bring people into my life to guide me through these darkest times and I had booked in to see the Psychologist at My University Campus, not sure how these things happened but call it intuition or guidance it is where my path led me. This was a pivotal moment in my life because it presented the ultimate gift to me that has carried me through my whole life and that is information is power. I became aware of the impact and trigger of childbirth in childhood victims of sexual abuse and suddenly the pieces of the puzzle got themselves out of the box and presented them to me and how I could turn things around and try to make sense and purpose of my own world. The other gift of being at University and this is how I was constantly reminded that the divine was at work looking back, I was where I needed to be and surrounded by my Soul Tribe at work. I recall talking to other students and discovering that there was an option and programme being offered to do a Double Degree in Arts and Social Work and what it meant that it would increase chances of employment after completion. I really had no idea what a Social Worker was at the time, I thought it might have had something to do with disabilities but had never come across anyone or any situation in my life that I could relate to what this meant so I began the path of research and exploration. What I discovered was that this I knew for sure was my calling, my path, meant for me and that there was no doubt. The Universe again confirmed that I was on the right path and the process was all too easy and again signalled that it was meant to be and my life had just begun. Every subject and topic resonated on so many different levels because I had a point of reference and was able to work through the material with a lens of both the teacher and the student because I had experience and wisdom of trauma and it was like reading the encyclopaedia of my life and opened up my world.

Life went on and I went through the motions of staying in a very bad relationship and limited support but by that time I had given birth to my son and my children and my University Degree were my sole focus. I was very isolated at this time their father worked nights in a pub would come home drunk at early hours of the morning and then sleep all day and this was my life, my children went to day care whilst I was at University and the other time I was their sole parent and this is how it was. There were very difficult times during the relationship that led to the significant decline in my mental health and I had found another abuser to replace my family without knowing it and stayed because I knew no different, it was normal for me, this was what felt normal and was what my life was meant to be and whilst I couldn’t change this part of my life at the time I compensated with focusing solely on my children and their every need and my education and they were my kryptonite to get me through those tough years.

Having children for me was not something that I had ever thought too much about, I knew it was part of my life path and that it would happen but was totally oblivious to what would happen. The birth was as with everything in my life a traumatic experience, and not just a little trauma but huge, and everything that could go wrong did compacted with giving birth with multiple complications in a rural public hospital that was destined for disaster. It was incredibly traumatic and I have memory of periods of dissociation during the labour and thinking that I was literally going to die and spent most of the time in total withdrawal mode and mute and unable to speak.

Afterwards I recall hospital and medical staff not being able to look me in the eye, making excuses and telling me that the experience would never happen again and had never happened before but I knew, this had nothing to do with them this was a recurring story in my life and I prepared for the tough journey and what was to come. Again I don’t know how I was able to do this or get through and I can only say that at times when I should never have survived and there were many I was guided and protected to summon the strength to get up and move forward and not only survive but to achieve the unachievable from a higher purpose.

I recall having to get up and survive, I had no choice, I had become a mother and had to dig deep, I only had myself to rely on was the only driver in the family and no support from my family or his. I remember the difficulties I had to face from the beginning. Discharging from hospital with my baby was one of those moments that I knew I was again completely alone and had no one to rely on but myself. I literally had to sign myself out against hospital advice catch a taxi home to get my car with the baby seat in and return to the hospital to collect my baby for discharge. I had a Caesarean and other major health issues following birth and was very unwell and had to sign a waiver that I would not hold the hospital responsible if anything happened to me. I remember the nurse telling me that if I had a car accident on the way home and the potential damage would be that my stomach contents would literally fall out on my lap, I don’t know if that was true but it didn’t deter me, I did what I had to do. At that moment reality hit and I knew that I could never rely on my partner or anyone for the rest of my life and I felt an incredible sense of grief and loss and that my life would never be what I thought or had wished for. My strength and motivation hit the ground running from the moment I got home I had a vision, I remember the hard struggle of physical pain of walking up the hill to my University class two weeks after childbirth to sit an exam, there were no leave passes for me and I never gave up.

There were times in my life where I craved and hoped for my situation and life to be different and tolerated the ongoing abuse in my relationship but also with the relationship with my mother and thought that because time had passed things would be different and maybe she would be loving and accepting of me this time and I allowed communication and opened my heart to allow her back into my life. This however didn’t end well, the differences between us in our values and beliefs were more evident and my mother never told me that she was proud of me for going to University achieving all that I had as the first in my family to achieve this higher level of education. I held down a job and to take care of two babies with no support. There was no love, there was only ridicule and hurtful comments and put downs, my mother was very vocal about her thoughts toward me, I was a bleeding heart that was not good for society and everything that our country and government didn’t need. Her hateful and cruel comments and looks about my weight were her only real focus every time I would see her every year or two and would break my heart even stronger every time and I would continue to fall into this false sense of maybe one day, one time she will see me with love and finally accept me that I am good enough.

I had continued to raise my children and complete my Double Degree in a record 5 years and for the last couple of years’ complete full time work and was ready to soar. Whilst I didn’t have validation from any family in my life I had my Soul Tribe and Lecturers at University that fulfilled me and validated that I was headed on the right path and opened amazing opportunities for me that I value to this day. I had decided that my time in my parents’ hometown had come to an end and that I needed to focus on my career and job opportunities. Whilst I didn’t have support from my mother I could only hope that she would embrace the role of Grandmother with vengeance and provide me with support to help with this role, yes, I was delusional but another example of I how I kept wanting the family life and it was like a drug, I couldn’t give it up. The relationship had run its course and I was on a new path and whilst I wasn’t able to fully end the relationship or say the words at the time I was done and I was headed for a new life in the big city and Wagga had served its purpose and I needed to embrace my new path.

I had organised work in the place where I grew up in and it was a sweet homecoming and familiar sights and felt like home and I was very positive and optimistic. The Children had settled into school and things were going well and for the first time in my life I knew that I had found my calling, it was like feeling I was in a place that I was searching for my whole life and I was happy and content in my career and it was all that my children and I needed.

I moved from that job into a more long term position with a Government Hospital and Health Service and the future looked bright. The children were settled in school and child care and the relationship with my mother didn’t improve but I had my career and it was a good distraction and provided me with the happiness and focus that I needed at the time but her criticism never wavered I just learnt to accept it.

In another attempt of being in a delusional state and self-sabotage I reconnected with the children’s father out of a sense of duty to the children and for my mother’s sake of appearances and maintain her good reputation in the community. He moved from to Brisbane and we began a life of somewhat what looked on the outside happy families but it was just a delusion and he was very unhappy with the move and out of his comfort zone and I suffered the consequences for his unhappiness.

Whilst my work career was thriving my relationship with my mother deteriorated significantly due to here ongoing comments and looks about my weight and also my parenting. Her constant judgement about my parenting was like twisting a knife in me at every turn and nothing I did was right and nothing my children did was right. They were too fussy with their food, they were too attached to me, I had them too much in a routine of staying at home which complicated her life and her social schedule but ultimately, she was so critical of my son because he did not warm to her and both children were terrified of her from a very early age. She just never had a maternal side and her only show of affection was of a material sense and she was furious that they were never grateful enough for everything that she gave them. I can see a lot of resemblances in the relationship that I had with my grandmother and the pattern continues from learnt behaviour of what she saw as her role.

I had learnt how to maintain the relationships with both my mother and partner and just accept it for what it was because essentially I didn’t deserve more and I wasn’t worthy of their love and that’s just what I believed so just learnt to acceptance and it made my life a lot easier and I had my career and that was enough at that time and my children. The children and I were inseparable, they went to school, I went to work and the rest of the time we were together and never spent time apart except for rare occasions when they would go to their grandmothers for a period of time but this got less as they were not enjoyable times for them and I would get very anxious about what they would have to go through with my mother and the fear and anxiety of my childhood would set in, so it was just us. Their father was never a part of our life’s, he was just there, went to work, got drunk and slept and never was able to drive anywhere and never wanted to be involved in our lives just felt like it was his right to whatever he wanted and meet his own needs and not participate in family life and the few times that he did it ended up being very traumatic for me and I found it easier and safer to go along in life alone.

At some point my mother’s comments and judgement and utter disgust with my weight reached a point of no return and I decided to undergo a surgical procedure. I finally gave in and thought that if I really wanted unconditional love from my mother then given that every diet or attempt to lose weight in my life had failed I would succumb to drastic measures to finally achieve what I needed to have my mother’s unconditional love and acceptance. So, I went in with a positive outlook and took the money from my Superannuation and had the surgery done and the consequences were dire and life threatening. I have no idea how I survived this experience and got through it not only physically but mentally.

I spent two weeks following in hospital with Pneumonia and then somehow got myself back to work only to end up in the Emergency Department during my work shift with Sepsis from the implant.

I again went through the motions in auto pilot and remember thinking of course this could only happen to me to this degree of complication and disaster that is my life, nothing runs smoothly but I somehow dug deep. I was in the hands of the medical profession and was told that the implant that I had just had that would save me from a lifetime of being overweight and being unloved my mother had to be removed and the impact of this was catastrophic. I had no choice it was that or die, I remember my surgeon at the time yelling at me about my poor choices and decisions to do this procedure and the risks of surgery and all I could think of was I just wanted my mother to love me and at that moment grief and loss hit home and knew that she would never love me now.

And of course, true to form my mother presented to the hospital and I had to tell her the outcome and she screamed and yelled at me to not have it taken out because I wouldn’t lose weight. I then knew she would rather have me die than continue to have a daughter that was fat and I knew I was never going to be worthy or good enough for her and I yelled for the nurses to get her out of my room and told them I wanted no more visitors and isolated myself and withdrew and went through another battle alone and no support. My partner never came and I was so emotionally distraught being separated from my children and I know that it was a really difficult time for them because they only had my grandmother and father to provide their needs and it was fraught with trauma for them and I know that this incident caused a lot of anxiety for them for years to come.