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Life changed significantly for me when I started High School and I was 13, I recall going to stay with a friend from school and her family down the Gold Coast for holidays and when I came home finding my whole world had fallen apart. My sister had held a birthday party whilst I was away at our house the night before and she would have been 15 at the time and I returned home to having walked into an almighty fight between my sister and my father. My sister was furious and verbally abusing my father and swearing and screaming because he had embarrassed her the night before because she had friends come to the party who were outside in cars and I gather were drinking and having sex. My father had gone outside and told them to stop or leave or something and my sister was horrified that he had done this and embarrassed her. I walked in to see my sister swearing and verbally abusing my father and he slapped her across the face. Basically my sister looked at my mother and said either he leaves or I do and my mother looked at my father and said you need to leave and with that he packed his bags and left and never came back. Looking back, I found it difficult to understand my mother’s rationale of what acceptable parenting, the abuse that my sister suffered in that situation was more important than the years of abuse I had suffered. Trying to work through in my adult brain why did she not tell him to leave after she was aware of the abuse I suffered, again another rhetoric or belief at such a young age that my sister was more deserving and worthy of love and belonging than I was. The next couple of years for me were really distressing, I had not only lost the support of my only parent, I was left with my sister and mother who both hated my father and took it out on me because I was the closest thing to him and a constant reminder of my father to them, and his only supporter. My mother and sister refused to see my father ever again and I was the only person and support to my father which was a huge burden. I would be allowed to see my father every fortnight on pay day when my mother sent me or drove me to where my father lived to have a visit for a couple of hours and collect the money that I would bring home to my mother.

My mental health significantly declined during the next couple of years and I was left alone and isolated. My mother began an affair with a married man and he would visit every Saturday and they would spend the day engaged in sex and was obvious to me that this relationship was a long standing one before my father had left. My sister left the house for long periods of time which was a relief for me and I had never had any sort of relationship or interaction with my sister so this was very normal but I was not part of her life and the relationship was never close and she was incredibly cruel and mean to me during my childhood and even into adulthood. My mother would go away for weekends and I was left alone and would gravitate to friends’ houses or have friends over as I was always the cool house to come to because my mother was never home and never cared what I did or what happened, she was so focused on her own life that I was left to parent myself.

At times during the years of 13 to 15 my mother would be notified by others comments or advice about my depression or significant isolation and would always blame it on me and tell me it was because of me being overweight. I remember a time when I was about 13 years old and she had bought me some weight loss tablets and I had so much trouble trying to swallow them because they were so big and I would try so hard to swallow them but would keep gagging and throw them up. An issue I still have today with swallowing tablets. I remember her being so angry with me that she would get them and force her hands down my throat to get them down which was so distressing for me that I think she gave up after several attempts of not being successful.

Another situation was she rang my father and told him that he needed to take me to Jenny Craig after it has just opened in Australia to make me lose weight because she put down all of my issues with depression were related to me being overweight. Another humiliating event that I had to endure with my father taking me to Jenny Craig every fortnight to get weighed and at that time it was all tinned and powdered food which was really awful but not wanting to suffer the wrath of my mother in one of her tirades I complied as did my father. In retrospection and when I look back at those years I can’t recall being that overweight, I think my average dress size was about a 14 but for my mother this was unacceptable and I remember being weighed in Grade 12 by the Physical Education Teacher and weighed 70kg which was so horrific for me but I recall he wasn’t concerned and attempted to alleviate my distress but by that time I was 17 years old and in retrospect the fear and damage with emotional and psychological abuse from my mother increased the fear significantly.

Throughout these years my mental health and depression significantly declined and I know that my mother was very angry about my low mood at times and would often fly into fits of verbal rage and physical abuse. I recognise now that my mother had significant mental health issues and would without any cause storm into my room in fits of rage and yell and swear at me and get wooden coat hangers out of my cupboard and belt me with them in an uncontrollable rage and after her rage and once she had calmed she would leave and I would be left to discard of the broken wooden coat hangers in my room and no words were spoken it just became my normal.

One specific incident I remember was when I started to experiment with cutting myself as a form of trying to relieve my internal pain, I specifically remember in desperation and a process of learning over the years is that the body is well tuned to identifying trauma, and the body always wins in bringing pain and trauma to the surface. I had a glass in my room that I smashed in a burst of anger and frustration and started slashing my wrists, in those days it wasn’t a well-known issue as it is now but rather learnt behaviour from watching movies and identifying with the concept. I remember feeling instant shame afterwards and having to cover up the damage that I had done so that my mother wouldn’t find out.

I remember going to school the next day and having to wear a long jumper to cover the evidence however the weather was not working in my favour and during the day people must have noticed and alerted the teachers who ultimately contacted my mother. There was no Child Safety in those days that I recall and certainly not an option for my protection and safety as I went to a Catholic Girls only Private School in Brisbane and therefore changed the dynamics significantly. I don’t remember anyone at the school asking me about it or asking questions, all I remember was the physical wrath of my mother and her physical abuse of the wooden coat hangers when I got home from school that day. In these times when my mother verbally and physically abused me because of her frustration and anger with me and I had no idea of what was happening at the time I became somewhat mute, isolated and severally depressed. Because I could not articulate or explain what was going on and my mother saw this as some sort of defiance or fault with me and another reason of evidence in her mind that I was imperfect and not worthy of her love. When I returned to school the next day and the teachers and students saw the welts and bruises on my legs again no one said anything and they never contacted my mother again, they also never sought any help or support for me, sadly it was only 1985.

Around this time things became so difficult at home I sought refuge and support from my father who I was still seeing fortnightly to spend a dinner with him and get the money from him to take home to my mother. I am not sure what happened whether he had been contacted by school or others but I had told him that I needed to leave home and he had agreed to getting a unit and I could go and live with him because at the time he was living with some mates of his from the pub and this was not suitable. I don’t have a lot of memory of what transpired between my parents about this but I was aware my mother was furious because of the financial loss because she would not receive child support anymore however because I was over 15 at the time I don’t think she had much choice and there were no parental or legal orders in place at the time.

After my father had organised the unit and furniture had been sorted I was finally free from my mother and looking forward to some peace in my life and support from my father who I had missed desperately after my parents separation as he had been the only emotional support and present parent in my life that I had ever known. I had a friend at the time that I had known since Primary School that was a constant companion and I don’t know why we were so inseparable as looking back on reflection we were so different but at the time she was a main support as were her parents during these difficult years and we used to go to a Youth Group at the time at our local primary school and gave me some solace of connection that I desperately sought.

On the first night at my fathers he had gone out to the pub with his mates and my friend had stayed over with me and must have been a Friday night and no school the next day. I remember having brought over my childhood bed from home sleeping there and my friend sleeping on the floor next to me. We went to bed at a reasonable time and were asleep when my father must have returned home drunk. During some time of the night I was awoken by my friend getting my attention as my father was lying next to her and then gone to sleep and I sleepily told her to get into the bed next to me and remember not thinking anything about it at the time and just going back to sleep. At some stage of the night my father must have woken up or early morning and returned to his own room, on waking up in the morning and realising what had happened and my friend telling me what had occurred when my father had sexually assaulted her.

My memories of this moment are clearly etched in my mind like several events and incidents in my life that I can only describe as like “timestamps”, I can feel everything and see everything and when my world came crashing down. I remember being so angry with myself for letting her sleep over and being on the floor, I remember thinking how stupid I was and how it should have been me sleeping on the floor, it should have been me who was sexually assaulted by my father because then the secret wouldn’t have been out and I could have supressed it and no one would ever know and my life could stay as it was. Of course this couldn’t happen now it was out and I knew my friend would tell her parents and also wouldn’t be my friend anymore and I had no choice. We had no idea what to do but we caught the train to some family friends of my parents but also a very strong family support network as extended family and that I used to spend long periods of time with and holidays, also the lady that sewed for us who were referred to as our grandmother.

I can remember getting there but standing in their kitchen and my friend and I had travelled from the Southside to the North side of Brisbane by train and not having any idea what was going to happen. When we arrived I don’t think that I had the words or voice to use and my friend told her what had happened. Consequently she rang my father and told him what he had done and that she would be ringing my mother to come and get me. After this I have very little memory until after we must have dropped my friend home to her parents and they must have had a discussion and I was in the car alone with my mother returning home to her house and my whole world had shattered. I remember sitting in the front seat and driving down the street that adjoined ours and my mother’s anger increasing the closer we got to home. I will remember her words specifically that have haunted me ever since. “I told you not to go and live with your father, you should have known that this was going to happen.”

That was all she said and I had no idea at the time what she was talking about but I knew what had happened to my friend was my fault and I had caused it. After this the memories are blurred, I withdrew even more, just went through the motions of going to school but not doing any work and spending weekends with my friend going out and just wandering aimlessly through life. I withdrew from everyone, couldn’t go back to the family friends because of the shame of what had happened that they all knew about and talked about behind closed doors. The looks of pity, the whispered voices and people not wanting to have anything to do with me because of the shame that I felt. I never had any contact with my father because I just couldn’t physically see him or talk to him, I was never given any support or mediation through this by my mother or anyone and it was just never spoken about again following the incident. The situation escalated significantly with my mother because if I didn’t have fortnightly visits with my father he had refused to give her child support money unless I visited him and therefore my mother blackmailed me that if I didn’t go and have visits with my father to get the money I would have to leave school because she wouldn’t pay for me to continue to go to school. There was no option and as much as I cried and refused I had to return to the role of the dutiful daughter who had to do the fortnightly visits to collect the money from my father.

This is another affirmation for me in reflection, no amount of money can compensate or heal the wounds of trauma and had such an ongoing theme in my life and the big payoff to take the bribe or walk away with integrity and self-love.

The only way I survived this experience was to dissociate and on automatic pilot, I can’t recall if my father mentioned anything but it was never discussed and I refused to discuss anything and just went through the motions to be left alone by my parents and I had shut down completely both emotionally and psychologically by this time. On the outside I was going to school and totally withdrawn and just turn up and not engage on any level with anyone but was just on a very superficial basis, I had lost close connections with school friends at this point I just didn’t have capacity to connect with anyone now, but school was my only constant and escape from the reality of my home life and family and where I could pretend that my life was some sort of normal and hope. The biggest gift from going to a private catholic girl school at that time was a very empowering time for women in 1987and I remember a sticker that we had all over our books at the time that we must have been given that said, “Women Can do Anything”, those words somehow stuck with me and gave me some sense of hope.

When I wasn’t at school I was starting to engage in some at risk behaviour and rebelling, my mother was totally absent now and I would spend weekends at friends, in city with my school friends and experimenting with drugs and alcohol to numb the pain and escape.

I remember my first experience with a boy other than a brief kiss with an old school friend the year before, and yes I was a very late starter when it came to boys and I never had boyfriends. I was out in the city with my school friends and they had all left me because I couldn’t get into one of the nightclubs even though everyone else did I was refused and ended up meeting with up some random people that I didn’t know and we went to the botanic gardens. I lost my virginity that night and I don’t know how it happened I didn’t say yes and I didn’t say no, I never spoke at all the whole time and I felt like I had some sort of out of body experience and instantly performed sex acts that no 16 year old virgin could ever know how to perform but I just went through the motions. Unfortunately for me this boy that I had met up with was some popular boy from a rival boys school and my reputation was ruined and when I returned to school on Monday my experience had been once again exposed and I was shamed all over again. It was very confusing for me because even though I should have known or connected the dots I didn’t, I had no reference or recollection of the sexual abuse as a child from my father I was completely in denial and I didn’t get any flashbacks or memory until I was 21 years old but I knew intuitively that I was not normal and that I carried a deep sense of shame and guilt following this incident and couldn’t make sense of any of it.

I aimlessly drifted through life living with friends and had moved out by 17 because of the unsustainable dynamic and relationship with my mother after I started working full-time. I was in an unfamiliar world of being free and having no idea of how life worked and my life became an adventure of work, drinking and boys and it was definitely a learning curve.

My first ever boyfriend was such a beautiful experience he was so funny and charming and I was besotted but obviously very immature and age difference and no idea of what relationships looked like and we were better as friends than lovers. The best gift he could have given me was introduction to his sister who is the one constant in my life and my soul tribe from generations passed and her beautiful family who have always been there to give me love, acceptance, belonging and made me feel worthy which has been such a blessing in the darkest times of my life.

I had stayed friends with the girl who my father sexually assaulted and it became a very unhealthy relationship over the years because she had total control over me and my decisions in life. I felt a sense of needing to make up for the sins of my father as some sense of duty to the trauma that she had experienced. Over the years she took advantage of the situation and I always felt like I was constantly being punished by her and I had to accept it which was confirmed when she had sex with my first boyfriend that I had discovered after we had separated. She then proceeded to do the same two other times after that and during the friendship that lasted well into my adult years before I finally learned the lesson to not accept the toxic behaviour in my life and walk away and it was liberating.

I had a lot of difficulty with relationships with the opposite sex and could not seem to be able to have any sort of relationship with men apart from sex, I often got so depressed of feeling like a complete failure and something wrong with me and not like everyone else, I felt very different it was always something that I was very intuitive about but had no idea how or why.

I had started my working career in the Corporate world of Insurance and Brokerage and it was such an eye opening world to me, my first day working with a high prestigious Insurance Brokerage in the City which was a look at the real world. I became aware because of events that one of the woman in the office had taken an overdose in the toilets because she was having an affair with one of the male Directors in the Office and she had told her husband in an effort to end up with the Director who had rejected her love offer and shattered her world.

These were crazy times in the world and so different from working life today, the office was run by male Directors and women were in the typing pool and Administration and the few women who were in the world of insurance were not your typical female they were very aggressive and had to be to survive in such as male dominated code.

These were the days of long boozy lunches and the men would go out doing their business over 5 hour drinking lunch’s extravagance and living large on the corporate credit card whilst we would be back at the office. My job was to print out and separate all of the insurance documents that would go out to clients and would take a lot of work and precision to operate computer technology and equipment in those days. I can recall one day one of the older male directors coming back from a very long lunch and very intoxicated and walked into the print room and standing in front of me grinning from ear to ear and ripping up every one of the hundreds of invoices that I had just printed and separated. This was further followed by my bosses and superiors laughing and putting down to his normal behaviour, such a gentleman and I never forgot that moment and I noted a shift in my thought process and red flags appeared.

I ended up leaving there and moving to another Insurance Company and again a very sociable lifestyle but there wasn’t such as strong sense of class systems and we were a young group who would go out and socialise after work and they were good days and fun times. We were all very sociable but all had clear boundaries and relationships outside of the office and everyone was either married or partners except maybe myself and few others. I recall going out one day after work and having lots of laughs and banter and one of the men in the office who was married offered to give me a life home one night and I accepted as we were good friends and I trusted him. At some stage I can recall us being in a lift and going to the car and he asked me for oral sex which I promptly laughed and thought he was joking and I dismissed and didn’t think anything more of it but obviously rejected my advances.

I didn’t think any more of it but had noted that he demeanour toward me had changed but I didn’t think that it related to that event and things became more clearer when I was called into the bosses office and advised that one of the Insurance Agents had made a complaint about me and my phone manner and that I wasn’t very helpful. I was shocked by this statement and was unprepared for what was developing but I had asked who had made the complaint and he gave me the name of the Insurance Agent that I declined sex with the previous week. I was furious and told the boss of the incident and he declined to discuss further but was summoned into one of the female bosses who told me very clearly that I was being targeted because I had refused his sexual advances but if I repeated what she had said she would adamantly deny. I walked out that day and never went back.