One of the consequences of finding out everything was that my mind was unravelling with a sense of purpose, having information coming in so fast in many ways my mind was spinning and I knew I was headed for a huge tower moment that was about to come crashing down. Like always the body always wins and I began having increasing anxiety and huge rage inside me was brewing like a pressure cooker ready to explode and there was no way the lid was staying on again.
I kept getting visions and dreaming that I had to go on a journey but the reality and the dreams were not in alignment and again I was just not seeing it but the messages kept coming. I remember feeling like a caged rat and could not physically contain it and was literally going crazy. I was having trouble sleeping and trying to calm myself with meditation but it only increased and I suddenly had visions of a childhood memory of a holiday with family friends to Airlie Beach and this would have been I the late 1970’s I guess and Airlie Beach was very different then to now. I remember going to the Marina or Port where all the ships come in when I was a young child and there was a huge storm at the time and the sky was so angry and we were little and standing on a cliff looking out. I remember feeling like I could literally reach out to the clouds and I will never forget that moment and feeling so close to something so big at the time, so close to the sky that I could just reach up and be taken up to the heavens and was able to recall this memory so vividly. I suddenly knew what this was for me and it was my way home, my portal I guess but there was something I needed to do there and get closure on because the Universe was sending me a message and this I knew for sure. Anyway, as the crazy person I am to everyone who knows me and wonders what the hell I am doing and my children don’t even question anymore. They know when I am in times of my darkest days I need to go and escape and seek time alone to be able to heal and I always come back, this time I wasn’t sure if I was.
I had no idea why or what I needed to do but I remember it being a long weekend and finishing work and I was driving from Brisbane to Airlie Beach and believed that all would be revealed on the journey and it didn’t disappoint.
I was fuelled with rage and so angry with the Universe for again letting me down in love again. But also for allowing my mother to again somehow infiltrate my energy and allow her spirit to get to me without me knowing. I was done because even when I didn’t see it coming it was like another way to destroy me and it was personal and I wasn’t fighting back anymore I was done.
I was in the fight of my life with the Universe and I was adamant I was either going to win in love and life or I was going to die that weekend because there was no going back to my life as it was. I needed to make sense and purpose of everything and get absolute clarity of what the hell was going on because I literally was done on every level and I didn’t care. I knew how to get home and I needed to go back to that Portal in Airlie Beach for the Universe to save me because I was tapped out. I had failed my purpose and mission and I was giving up and defeated and I wanted a one-way ticket to get the hell out.
Of course, when I arrived in Airlie Beach I was devastated because it was a beautiful sunny day and the place wasn’t anything like I remembered from such a young age. I was again confused and disillusioned and literally knew then that I was going crazy and having a huge psychotic episode and in a whole world of trouble. I knew I needed food and sleep so booked a motel online randomly and went to find somewhere to eat and whilst waiting for the check in time went for a walk aimlessly along the waterfront not near the Marina but on another part of the waterfront and was physically drawn to a brick monument of some sort like they have for War memorials and just wandered over and stared to read what it was.
I remember just feeling completely physically overwhelmed and as soon as I touched it I started to physically sob uncontrollably and broke down and I had no words as to why just the physical wash of emotion and outside of body experience was literally something I will never be able to forget and had never experienced before. I had no idea that connection to me other than the date which was approximately two months before I was born but I took a photo of the names and adamant I needed to research once I got home to find sense and meaning to what I was experiencing. I then booked into my motel and slept soundly for what felt like forever and was so calm and peaceful I knew that somehow, I had found was I was searching for.
