At some point my mother’s comments and judgement and utter disgust with my weight reached a point of no return and I decided to undergo a surgical procedure. I finally gave in and thought that if I really wanted unconditional love from my mother then given that every diet or attempt to lose weight in my life had failed I would succumb to drastic measures to finally achieve what I needed to have my mother’s unconditional love and acceptance. So, I went in with a positive outlook and took the money from my Superannuation and had the surgery done and the consequences were dire and life threatening. I have no idea how I survived this experience and got through it not only physically but mentally.
I spent two weeks following in hospital with Pneumonia and then somehow got myself back to work only to end up in the Emergency Department during my work shift with Sepsis from the implant.
I again went through the motions in auto pilot and remember thinking of course this could only happen to me to this degree of complication and disaster that is my life, nothing runs smoothly but I somehow dug deep. I was in the hands of the medical profession and was told that the implant that I had just had that would save me from a lifetime of being overweight and being unloved my mother had to be removed and the impact of this was catastrophic. I had no choice it was that or die, I remember my surgeon at the time yelling at me about my poor choices and decisions to do this procedure and the risks of surgery and all I could think of was I just wanted my mother to love me and at that moment grief and loss hit home and knew that she would never love me now.
And of course, true to form my mother presented to the hospital and I had to tell her the outcome and she screamed and yelled at me to not have it taken out because I wouldn’t lose weight. I then knew she would rather have me die than continue to have a daughter that was fat and I knew I was never going to be worthy or good enough for her and I yelled for the nurses to get her out of my room and told them I wanted no more visitors and isolated myself and withdrew and went through another battle alone and no support. My partner never came and I was so emotionally distraught being separated from my children and I know that it was a really difficult time for them because they only had my grandmother and father to provide their needs and it was fraught with trauma for them and I know that this incident caused a lot of anxiety for them for years to come.
