After I got through this period and had such incredible strength I felt like I could survive anything and it was time to cut out the dead wood as such and I recall the specific moment my relationship with my children’s father ended. I had survived everything and had a situation just like any other day that the car would not start and I was left having to organise everything and no support and I just finally realised I was done, no more. I know that in my life I have given people that were important to me so many chances, more than I ever should have and in reflection I had been given so many chances to end toxic relationships and behaviour and choose myself but I resisted to the point where they Universe only had the option to keep throwing those hard lessons until I finally was exhausted and gave up and chose my own worth and happiness and get rid of those that did not support me in my life and fill my cup.
I was very independent from a young age and take care of myself that I have maintained this my whole life and have always been incredibly independent and never relied on anyone either financially or any other aspect of my life simply because I can’t because it’s all I know. A lot of these traits and behaviours/coping mechanisms that impact me today have been both a negative and positive with regard to not allowing people into my life to help me and also needing to maintain control and independence as not just a coping mechanism but a survival skill to this day. It has impacted many relationships and other aspects of my life to this day and I think that the important aspect of reflection is to acknowledge the situation when triggers are alerted, honour yourself and acknowledge the reasons why it is happening, be compassionate and kind to yourself and open a dialogue when safe with those around your or seek help from counsellors or health professionals to work through the issues when they arise and put these tools in the toolbox for the next time, because there is always a next time. Information and knowledge is power and the biggest thing that I have learnt is knowing to identify a trigger and emotional response, being able to work through it and understand why is happening and move forward, because if we don’t understanding why it is happening we are not able to process and move forward.
Once I had made the decision I was immediately relieved and felt and overwhelming sense of knowing I was on the right path and had no fear. I was completely financially independent and strong and knew that I was the only constant in my children’s life to keep them safe and secure and provide a healthy and safe home to thrive in and was not going to subject them to a childhood that I had experienced.
