I had continued to raise my children and complete my Double Degree in a record 5 years and for the last couple of years’ complete full time work and was ready to soar. Whilst I didn’t have validation from any family in my life I had my Soul Tribe and Lecturers at University that fulfilled me and validated that I was headed on the right path and opened amazing opportunities for me that I value to this day. I had decided that my time in my parents’ hometown had come to an end and that I needed to focus on my career and job opportunities. Whilst I didn’t have support from my mother I could only hope that she would embrace the role of Grandmother with vengeance and provide me with support to help with this role, yes, I was delusional but another example of I how I kept wanting the family life and it was like a drug, I couldn’t give it up. The relationship had run its course and I was on a new path and whilst I wasn’t able to fully end the relationship or say the words at the time I was done and I was headed for a new life in the big city and Wagga had served its purpose and I needed to embrace my new path.
I had organised work in the place where I grew up in and it was a sweet homecoming and familiar sights and felt like home and I was very positive and optimistic. The Children had settled into school and things were going well and for the first time in my life I knew that I had found my calling, it was like feeling I was in a place that I was searching for my whole life and I was happy and content in my career and it was all that my children and I needed.
I moved from that job into a more long term position with a Government Hospital and Health Service and the future looked bright. The children were settled in school and child care and the relationship with my mother didn’t improve but I had my career and it was a good distraction and provided me with the happiness and focus that I needed at the time but her criticism never wavered I just learnt to accept it.
In another attempt of being in a delusional state and self-sabotage I reconnected with the children’s father out of a sense of duty to the children and for my mother’s sake of appearances and maintain her good reputation in the community. He moved from to Brisbane and we began a life of somewhat what looked on the outside happy families but it was just a delusion and he was very unhappy with the move and out of his comfort zone and I suffered the consequences for his unhappiness.
Whilst my work career was thriving my relationship with my mother deteriorated significantly due to here ongoing comments and looks about my weight and also my parenting. Her constant judgement about my parenting was like twisting a knife in me at every turn and nothing I did was right and nothing my children did was right. They were too fussy with their food, they were too attached to me, I had them too much in a routine of staying at home which complicated her life and her social schedule but ultimately, she was so critical of my son because he did not warm to her and both children were terrified of her from a very early age. She just never had a maternal side and her only show of affection was of a material sense and she was furious that they were never grateful enough for everything that she gave them. I can see a lot of resemblances in the relationship that I had with my grandmother and the pattern continues from learnt behaviour of what she saw as her role.
