After a multitude of times in investing in online dating I promised myself one more time and then I was finished. I had been on and off for several years and I don’t want to get into the trauma of online dating but I had suffered significantly but hand on heart put it out to the universe and prayed to a higher power that this was my time and my last chance of love. It was one of those moments that I reflect on and wonder what was different this time but understand that it was all in the timing of the divine.
In a short summary, the first and last person that I connected with online was the one to teach me the greatest lesson in love. For me the connection was so honest and pure, it was the first relationship that I had where I felt for the first time in my life worthy of love and belonging and beautiful inside as well as out.
Not when I lost weight or had cosmetic surgery or altered other physical parts of myself totally as is, perfectly imperfect. I went into the Arena with my heart Chakra Open Wide and in my Courage and brave to live my most authentic and wholehearted life. I was in a great place with myself and for the first time felt the courage to go deep and be vulnerable when it came to love. The complexity occurred when the other person was not in the same space at that time. I was deeply hurt however I understand early in the friendship that the other person in the relationship did not have the capacity to have a relationship at the time due to circumstances surrounding grief and loss of a long-term marriage and all that it entails with complexities of children and separation processes.
Its only in reflection am I able to process that the timing which was right for me was not for the other person. I also came to learn that the purpose of our meeting was destined for me to heal from what I needed to be able to learn the lesson of unconditional love for myself and move into another ascension stage to emotional fulfilment.
As with any circumstance in my life journey everything is multifaceted and complex and at a time during this friendship I became aware that we were connected by family friends of my mother and her husband. This became complicated for me because of past trauma and unhealed wounds of the past with my family and not having any contact for past 6 years.
I made the mistake of again blocking this from my mind and putting it out of mind, out of sight and did not consider this a barrier but of course that’s never how it is when it comes to trauma and triggers and complex relationships. In the following weeks, I was unable to accept the end of the friendship and what it meant and how again in my life had this eventuated. I needed to find some sense of purpose or meaning to why this kept occurring in my life and why finding love was unattainable. Did I not deserve it, and was I so undesirable to every male available person that I met, it just seemed so incredibly cruel? I needed to know and get some clarity and make sense of it, how did I keep following the same mistakes, because I just didn’t see it coming and somehow had been blindsided but the circumstances of events and trying to unpack the situation.
