My first memory as a child was one where I must have been about 3 years old and we had moved into a new house at my childhood home and my parents had built a two storey brick home and I had come out to the lounge room with my teddy bear in hand (Pandy) who was my constant comfort in my childhood from earliest memory and even in my later years. My Mother was sitting on the lounge and my father in an adjoining lounge chair watching TV and I remember trying to crawl up onto my mother’s lap to say goodnight and she pushing me away and verbally telling me to go to bed and rejecting my physical affection. My father must have noted this and encouraged me to go to him and he gave me the comfort and cuddles that I so desperately wanted from my mother and then went off to bed by myself.
This may seem insignificant to others and of course situations outside of my control were obviously a factor but this was a constant and the setup of the relationship from my mother throughout my life and was not an isolated event. My mother never showed me love and affection in the physical form or emotionally or verbally, it just never happened and even in my adulthood. It wasn’t until really into my adulthood that I noticed that on one occasion in my late thirties or forties that she attempted to hug me and my body froze and literally paralysed me in fear and profound impact and understanding of such a lifetime of rejection or physical tough from my mother for my whole life. When my children were born I was very mindful of this and cuddled and held them constantly to my detriment most times when they were young children, as they became too dependent and especially for my daughter who needed constant validation from physical hugs from me in her later teens and adulthood. This has led to a life lesson as well to ensure to use words to her to explain that I have boundary issues and trauma that impact on my behaviour. I haven’t always been able to do this, and been successful at it but I hope I am getting better to ensure that she has her needs met from me but also understands the reasons for this.
It has certainly not been an easy process and a lot of trial and error and therapy and she jokes often about my lack of affection and whilst we laugh through it highlights the impact of childhood trauma on an emotional and psychological level. It highlights that if we are not mindful and aware of these behaviour and impact of trauma it can manifest. It is not okay to simply shrug it off and let it go and make excuses or deny. For me, I needed to clean up the mess with my daughter and with an open and courageous heart speak my truth to be able to ensure that she does not carry the trauma onto her children. This is the sole purpose of this journey to ensure that my children are not made to feel that they are not worthy of love and belonging. It also makes me very sad that I have so much difficulty and fear of touch and affection, ongoing work in progress.
The Childhood years were very difficult for me and having to go back to do the inner child work that is part of this healing process has been the most difficult and caused the most amount of procrastination. Even though I have spent so many years and exhausted every therapeutic support and help from the most minimal of counselling to extreme physical healing sessions and bizarre types of very controversial therapy there is always the impact and triggers from these years that affect me today and will for the rest of my life because they are so deep and whilst I am aware and have knowledge and skill to work through it the pain at times is still very unbearable and emotionally take their toll.
