Having children for me was not something that I had ever thought too much about, I knew it was part of my life path and that it would happen but was totally oblivious to what would happen. The birth was as with everything in my life a traumatic experience, and not just a little trauma but huge, and everything that could go wrong did compacted with giving birth with multiple complications in a rural public hospital that was destined for disaster. It was incredibly traumatic and I have memory of periods of dissociation during the labour and thinking that I was literally going to die and spent most of the time in total withdrawal mode and mute and unable to speak.
Afterwards I recall hospital and medical staff not being able to look me in the eye, making excuses and telling me that the experience would never happen again and had never happened before but I knew, this had nothing to do with them this was a recurring story in my life and I prepared for the tough journey and what was to come. Again I don’t know how I was able to do this or get through and I can only say that at times when I should never have survived and there were many I was guided and protected to summon the strength to get up and move forward and not only survive but to achieve the unachievable from a higher purpose.
I recall having to get up and survive, I had no choice, I had become a mother and had to dig deep, I only had myself to rely on was the only driver in the family and no support from my family or his. I remember the difficulties I had to face from the beginning. Discharging from hospital with my baby was one of those moments that I knew I was again completely alone and had no one to rely on but myself. I literally had to sign myself out against hospital advice catch a taxi home to get my car with the baby seat in and return to the hospital to collect my baby for discharge. I had a Caesarean and other major health issues following birth and was very unwell and had to sign a waiver that I would not hold the hospital responsible if anything happened to me. I remember the nurse telling me that if I had a car accident on the way home and the potential damage would be that my stomach contents would literally fall out on my lap, I don’t know if that was true but it didn’t deter me, I did what I had to do. At that moment reality hit and I knew that I could never rely on my partner or anyone for the rest of my life and I felt an incredible sense of grief and loss and that my life would never be what I thought or had wished for. My strength and motivation hit the ground running from the moment I got home I had a vision, I remember the hard struggle of physical pain of walking up the hill to my University class two weeks after childbirth to sit an exam, there were no leave passes for me and I never gave up.
