The role of motherhood was one that I had never been able to fully prepare for and it hit me hard. I was so determined to be everything and the overwhelming feelings that I experienced blew me away, complete love and connection to this baby and such an amazing experience and my first feelings of unconditional love for another human being beyond comprehension or understanding. I followed every text book with looking after babies from a practical level and had strived to be the best mother possible and meet every need to the detriment of myself. I remember holding my children constantly because I physically couldn’t bear the tears when I put them down and hearing them cry or distress would literally tear at my soul because I remembered the feelings of what I had experienced as a child. This set off some major triggers for me with what was to be a major decline in my mental health.
It was such a bittersweet experience because it opened my eyes to what a mother child relationship looked and felt like and I realised what I had not experienced in my own life and I could never understand how my mother could not have felt this intense love for me that I felt for my children and was devastated yet another grief and loss in my life. The realisation hit me hard and I knew that this was another turning point in my life like a game of snakes or ladders where I could have literally spiralled down a very slippery slope and my mental health was not in a good way.
