I decided then that I needed a change and that the corporate world was not for me and felt a strong desire to go to Nanny School and become a Nanny and travel the world. I had several jobs and some live in and just casual and during this time I was asked out by a guy who was nice enough and no real attraction or spark but thought that everyone else had a boyfriend and settled down so I thought it was the right thing to do and longing for connection.
After a period of time we got engaged to be married and he was Greek Orthodox and from strict religious background and things progressed forward. I had spent a lot of time at their home as my live in Nanny Position allowed me to have weekends off and I had no other option. Wedding preparations began and it was a very exciting time and I had longed for a family and felt a very strong connection not just to my fiance but to the whole family and they were my world. As they were very strict I had to sleep upstairs and my fiance slept downstairs and after going into my bedroom one night I heard the sisters talking to their mother and arguing about the fact that I was going to wear white on my wedding day and that they knew I was not a Virgin because they knew that I had been in their brothers room with the bedroom door closed several times. This broke my heart and destroyed all belief in the relationship with his family and I again felt such a strong sense of shame and not being good enough. When I told my fiance the next day he didn’t believe me and the family denied it. I instantly reverted to my coping mechanism of withdrawing and isolating myself and never saw his family again. We tried to maintain the relationship and he moved out to stay in the relationship but became very angry and bitter in the process of having to choose between his family and me which was his choice not mine.
There became a period where the only interaction or relationship we had was sexual and I resisted this but he felt was his only aspect of control to hold onto the relationship and I had already emotionally and psychologically disengaged but again went into auto pilot and went through the motions to be compliant and do as I was told. It was during this time that I felt triggered following his demands for sex and would have horrific night terrors and flashbacks and could not make sense of what I was experiencing. Throughout the time I started to experience my body changing and those old issues resurfacing where I was anxious, couldn’t sleep was raging inside and knew that my body was telling me something that I needed to hear but I kept pushing it down and fighting it. It got to a point where I couldn’t keep it contained and I had to face it head on and I went to see my mother and asked her the question, did my father sexually abuse me, and she said yes and that was it, now I knew.
Nothing more to be said or done and I told her I didn’t want her to tell my father that I knew and that was it.
