I aimlessly drifted through life living with friends and had moved out by 17 because of the unsustainable dynamic and relationship with my mother after I started working full-time. I was in an unfamiliar world of being free and having no idea of how life worked and my life became an adventure of work, drinking and boys and it was definitely a learning curve.
My first ever boyfriend was such a beautiful experience he was so funny and charming and I was besotted but obviously very immature and age difference and no idea of what relationships looked like and we were better as friends than lovers. The best gift he could have given me was introduction to his sister who is the one constant in my life and my soul tribe from generations passed and her beautiful family who have always been there to give me love, acceptance, belonging and made me feel worthy which has been such a blessing in the darkest times of my life.
I had stayed friends with the girl who my father sexually assaulted and it became a very unhealthy relationship over the years because she had total control over me and my decisions in life. I felt a sense of needing to make up for the sins of my father as some sense of duty to the trauma that she had experienced. Over the years she took advantage of the situation and I always felt like I was constantly being punished by her and I had to accept it which was confirmed when she had sex with my first boyfriend that I had discovered after we had separated. She then proceeded to do the same two other times after that and during the friendship that lasted well into my adult years before I finally learned the lesson to not accept the toxic behaviour in my life and walk away and it was liberating.
I had a lot of difficulty with relationships with the opposite sex and could not seem to be able to have any sort of relationship with men apart from sex, I often got so depressed of feeling like a complete failure and something wrong with me and not like everyone else, I felt very different it was always something that I was very intuitive about but had no idea how or why.
