Around this time things became so difficult at home I sought refuge and support from my father who I was still seeing fortnightly to spend a dinner with him and get the money from him to take home to my mother. I am not sure what happened whether he had been contacted by school or others but I had told him that I needed to leave home and he had agreed to getting a unit and I could go and live with him because at the time he was living with some mates of his from the pub and this was not suitable. I don’t have a lot of memory of what transpired between my parents about this but I was aware my mother was furious because of the financial loss because she would not receive child support anymore however because I was over 15 at the time I don’t think she had much choice and there were no parental or legal orders in place at the time.
After my father had organised the unit and furniture had been sorted I was finally free from my mother and looking forward to some peace in my life and support from my father who I had missed desperately after my parents separation as he had been the only emotional support and present parent in my life that I had ever known. I had a friend at the time that I had known since Primary School that was a constant companion and I don’t know why we were so inseparable as looking back on reflection we were so different but at the time she was a main support as were her parents during these difficult years and we used to go to a Youth Group at the time at our local primary school and gave me some solace of connection that I desperately sought.
On the first night at my fathers he had gone out to the pub with his mates and my friend had stayed over with me and must have been a Friday night and no school the next day. I remember having brought over my childhood bed from home sleeping there and my friend sleeping on the floor next to me. We went to bed at a reasonable time and were asleep when my father must have returned home drunk. During some time of the night I was awoken by my friend getting my attention as my father was lying next to her and then gone to sleep and I sleepily told her to get into the bed next to me and remember not thinking anything about it at the time and just going back to sleep. At some stage of the night my father must have woken up or early morning and returned to his own room, on waking up in the morning and realising what had happened and my friend telling me what had occurred when my father had sexually assaulted her.
My memories of this moment are clearly etched in my mind like several events and incidents in my life that I can only describe as like “timestamps”, I can feel everything and see everything and when my world came crashing down. I remember being so angry with myself for letting her sleep over and being on the floor, I remember thinking how stupid I was and how it should have been me sleeping on the floor, it should have been me who was sexually assaulted by my father because then the secret wouldn’t have been out and I could have supressed it and no one would ever know and my life could stay as it was. Of course this couldn’t happen now it was out and I knew my friend would tell her parents and also wouldn’t be my friend anymore and I had no choice. We had no idea what to do but we caught the train to some family friends of my parents but also a very strong family support network as extended family and that I used to spend long periods of time with and holidays, also the lady that sewed for us who were referred to as our grandmother.
I can remember getting there but standing in their kitchen and my friend and I had travelled from the Southside to the North side of Brisbane by train and not having any idea what was going to happen. When we arrived I don’t think that I had the words or voice to use and my friend told her what had happened. Consequently she rang my father and told him what he had done and that she would be ringing my mother to come and get me. After this I have very little memory until after we must have dropped my friend home to her parents and they must have had a discussion and I was in the car alone with my mother returning home to her house and my whole world had shattered. I remember sitting in the front seat and driving down the street that adjoined ours and my mother’s anger increasing the closer we got to home. I will remember her words specifically that have haunted me ever since. “I told you not to go and live with your father, you should have known that this was going to happen.”
That was all she said and I had no idea at the time what she was talking about but I knew what had happened to my friend was my fault and I had caused it. After this the memories are blurred, I withdrew even more, just went through the motions of going to school but not doing any work and spending weekends with my friend going out and just wandering aimlessly through life. I withdrew from everyone, couldn’t go back to the family friends because of the shame of what had happened that they all knew about and talked about behind closed doors. The looks of pity, the whispered voices and people not wanting to have anything to do with me because of the shame that I felt. I never had any contact with my father because I just couldn’t physically see him or talk to him, I was never given any support or mediation through this by my mother or anyone and it was just never spoken about again following the incident. The situation escalated significantly with my mother because if I didn’t have fortnightly visits with my father he had refused to give her child support money unless I visited him and therefore my mother blackmailed me that if I didn’t go and have visits with my father to get the money I would have to leave school because she wouldn’t pay for me to continue to go to school. There was no option and as much as I cried and refused I had to return to the role of the dutiful daughter who had to do the fortnightly visits to collect the money from my father.
This is another affirmation for me in reflection, no amount of money can compensate or heal the wounds of trauma and had such an ongoing theme in my life and the big payoff to take the bribe or walk away with integrity and self-love.
The only way I survived this experience was to dissociate and on automatic pilot, I can’t recall if my father mentioned anything but it was never discussed and I refused to discuss anything and just went through the motions to be left alone by my parents and I had shut down completely both emotionally and psychologically by this time. On the outside I was going to school and totally withdrawn and just turn up and not engage on any level with anyone but was just on a very superficial basis, I had lost close connections with school friends at this point I just didn’t have capacity to connect with anyone now, but school was my only constant and escape from the reality of my home life and family and where I could pretend that my life was some sort of normal and hope. The biggest gift from going to a private catholic girl school at that time was a very empowering time for women in 1987and I remember a sticker that we had all over our books at the time that we must have been given that said, “Women Can do Anything”, those words somehow stuck with me and gave me some sense of hope.
In reflection and because of knowledge and understanding of childhood trauma I can recognise classic text book warning signs of abuse and as a lesson for others we need to be aware and understand impacts of how children are exposed and that not seeing these flashing warning signs and asking questions. It leads to a lifelong feeling of disconnect and a feeling of not being good enough, not being worthy of love and belonging and not feeling deserving of love. What we do as adult’s matters and as parents and community we need to fix up the mess, somethings can’t be undone but we can acknowledge and communicate when we have done something wrong or hurt someone’s feelings, for children who don’t have the resources or skills to seek help. Say I am sorry and I will learn to do better next time and work on it and get the help and support because what we do to children at such a young age matters and we need to learn that it does. The impact of childhood trauma lasts a lifetime and is a lifetime of work to undo the conditioning that has been ingrained in the psychological and emotional development in the early formative years.
